But you know Hidden thoughts Poison life, poison life Yeah you know Hidden feelings You steal from yourself

lots of things circulating in the noggin’

Yesterday i went to the rodeo to record ‘los kolaches,’ what i’d consider i fusion between country, tejano and polka cover band small town crowd pleasing goodness.

Driving through Hallettsville I was taken back to high school, it was the city where all the cool dances were, the dances I’d get dress up for but seldom go.  Instead a friend or so would bust loops listening to the cool cd at the time.  finding companions was important, but i guess it played second fiddle to staying away from the beaten path, and i guess the latest soul asylum or whatever album in the deck was too hard to trade for two steppin’, even if there was belly rubbin’ associated.

wondering if i cheated myself all that time, wondering if i put more time into that scene i would have met my sweetheart, been happy three kids deep in a selfless routine.

my brother in law gave a prediction at one time, he said a few years ago, ‘in 5 years, there’s an 80 percent chance that you’ll still live 100 miles from where you grew up, there’s a 15% chance you’ll still be here but be somewhere in texas, 4% chance somewhere in america, 1% chance you’ll be overseas.’

knowing that in about 12 days i’m touching down in Venice, and will live in Italy or Germany for the next 5-10 years is finally sinking in, – its tough emotion considering i’m close to all of my family.  knowing that i’ll miss seeing nieces and nephews grow up, the jovial conversation with brothers and cousins, home cookin’ and the like.

a big thing that’ll be different, familiarity, or lack thereof.  its certainly easy to function in the world, any armchair warrior can do it, there are plenty mile markers to help along the way…but to truly gain perspective for a different culture and their contribution to the whole is a challenge and all sorts of things need to fall in place.

its something that i feel i owe myself, for all those inner thoughts and feelings i’ve stole from myself over the years, i want to let them all out and live life.

a few things i’ve considered over the years, which by one song a few nights ago can be clumped in the misconception or contrarian bucket.  i’ve always been a fan of radiohead’s tune ‘true love waits,’ its haunting, energetic, sentimental and all the other ingredients a good hopeless romantic love should have.  the contrary, ‘no true love waits,’ and just like the cowboy in the rodeo, you gotta grab that bull by the horns, park that car and join the dance.

life and love don’t have to wait, i know curve balls and sliders will come — the mitigation is to not swing at them. the proper course of action is to wait for the 3-1 fastball right down the pipe and smack it out of the ballpark.

helps to write it down, even if you then cross it out

tonight i think about a phrase seth godin said ‘what have you shipped?’  it’s been on my mind for months… what does it matter if you’re the first ever twitter user to capture the picture of lady gaga, or the 3rd person in line for the iphone, or you toil away at work 20 hours a day…what have you shipped?

also thinking about the book linchpin, and how the new personal advantage is ‘mental churn,’ often writers block creeps in and you have to make a conscious effort to beat it back into place.

what will life for me look like in a year?

• lots of travel, every three day weekend to a different country
• immersion in the Italian language, in effort to be the best American diplomat I can be
• Information Security and the CISSP will probably consume the remainder of the year, staring next April I’ll be getting an MBA with hopeful emphasis on the BRIC’s, I don’t just want to graduate, but I want to be #1 in the international class
• extreme nutrition and continued fitness
• even less tolerance for ‘point / counterpoint’ topics such as politics, economics and religion
• more culture and aesthetic
• more understanding of the European Union, its connectedness and its place in the world
• a pizza and pasta plate or two
• divergence away from live indie rock to stadium rock in big cities
• lots of ‘wow, this is interesting’ type conversations, along with seeing things my eyes won’t believe
• more fondness to the 500 years of the history and culture of the Roman Republic, even closer looks at Cicero and Seneca
• still debating on weather or not to drive a 2011 BMW M3 off the assembly line in Munich, since I’ve been writing about it for 5 years now, and thinking about it even longer.  it is the sports car that smacks the other ones in the teeth, period.
• looking forward to learning about the side streets of Venice, looking for people who want to exchange English for Italian dialogue
• dwindling down my twitter feed, and actually reading them and giving them thought, USArmyAfrica being a great example of what I need to plug in
• gateway to entry for a conversation on geopolitics, the awknowledgement that every ‘ism’ has pros and cons

Ultimate goal?  In the flat, connected world, does it really make sense to live in the first world, or is it better to roll the dice and trust your instinct, live somewhere like Latin America, Africa or China, where all the talking head bankers and bureaucrats say is volatile.

Knowing my competitive advantage of being a straight shooter, I’m hoping to get enough credential to work anywhere, doing what I want, largely responding to inquiries of ‘what do you think about this?,’ and the ‘shipment’ will be a 10 page pdf.

What will it take?  more acknowledgement and respect of conventional wisdom and who has it, while understanding it is far from the truth, and the new scribes to lead and govern us this century have yet to be written.

at some point in the next year i’d like to eek out my first critical though PowerPoint, which will consist of:

• a growth, sustainability and aesthetic model for civilization, and how they can keep each other in check while allowing society to evolve
• an ‘enough’ analysis, which poses answers to the question, what is enough, and what does someone need to be happy.  where is the benchmark, and if you stick to it and be responsible, you won’t be tempted with what the company tries to ram down your throat.
• a sketch of how if we do stay on the perpetual high velocity growth models, idiocracy will come true, eventually costco merges with apollo group and you WILL be able to get your law degree at isle 172 of costco
• how hubris and ideology are detrimental to the developed world and if emerging nations pick up anything CLOSE to nationalism or theocracy, what does that mean and who will hold what cards.
• more analysis on the great commodity grab and the interesting twists and turns, especially things like ‘mining taxes’ in Australia, and ‘commodities for infrastructure’ trade b/w Africa and China.
•  taking one derivitive, or collatoralized debt obligation and breaking it down to its core / unfunctional pieces (for you computer folks, think of it as reversing engineering a compiled .dll)
• articulating and defending why Ayn Rand’s objectivist philosophy of hard work will still get you ahead, and this can no longer be correlated with greed

While I suppose the news fills us with things that make people opinionated and tense, and how many doom and gloom scenerios occupy the airwaves, best seller lists and heart and minds of people all over the world, mine is still tuned to optimism and a keen eye for the actual truth, if i’m retired by age 45, i will have been right more often than not.

Way up high in a phallic tower You’re swimming in a tiny galaxy of stars

some of the things you recognize when you take a break from the zombie walk — how extraordinary it is to drive from downtown austin to round rock, and how mesmerizing party culture is in the developed world, take that to a hyper extreme, and you have austin — i’m glad to have participated, now i plan to observe now and then, but with really no intent to participate.  no hard feelings for the way of life, i’m not hating’ it, i don’t feel i’m getting old — just stepped back and realized, 10 years ago i’d struggle against the grain to fit in places i don’t belong, or fit in b/c it was the cool thing to do — now i have comfortable niches, if they’re not available, i usually have the patience for them to materialize.

seeing grinding on the dance floor in the developed world, and the grinding of the gears of governance in the undeveloped world have allowed me to find my own balance and footing, free from a lot of the physical and mental toxins that used to bind me to something that didn’t feel natural.

i love this place, austin.  i feel clear, calm, collected — i plan to write predictions for the next 1, 3, and 5 years here in the near future.

i feel that life has allowed me to re-invent myself for perspective’s sake –

dressed for success Shaping me up for the big time baby

doing a lot of shopping lately, coupled with seeing a lot of hipsters makes me think about two books that i find humorous and entertaining, ‘the mystery method’, and ‘the game’, both about the ‘pickup artist.’

one term present in the books is ‘peacocking’, which means you’re supposed to wear outlandish things and the chicks will love it.  it suggests that girls who want to be the groupie need a rock star.

it made me think about goths, nerds, hipsters, business professionals and casuals, and think, which constituency are you trying to fit in with and why, and is there a way to be agnostic to this behavior.

i’m sitting in Halcyon downtown Austin today, and a dude comes in with what I would consider an outlandish ‘track and field’ sort of outfit – short hip hugging shorts, socks jacked up, headband, and of course the dreaded beard.  it makes me think, what sort of ‘peacocking’ goes on in these metropolitan / hip cities, and who follows these schemes…there has to be a captive audience otherwise so many people wouldn’t do it.

its interesting what’s happening to ‘traditional’ these day, does it stand a chance in places in seas of cool, should it stand a chance, or when the guy next to you is wearing a headband too, how unique are you?

So throw away those lamentations We both know them all too well If there’s a book of jubilations We’ll have to write it for ourselves

often while reading the manual or following the sop or digesting information, we forget those books of lamentations are old and stale, we forget to admire the questions, and we forget to follow our own paths.

in pressfield’s book ‘the war of art’, he talks about ‘angels’ that help us find our way, josh ritter is an angel who reassures me the path isn’t dictated by circumstance, rather chosen.

moving to italy in less than a month and i’ve thought very little about it, which is why i know its the right move, its flowing with the water, it’s rounding resistance, it’s giving the raised eyebrow to a bunch of conventional wisdom.

i’m constantly reminded / haunted by the value of time, haunted b/c being one the clock makes it difficult to become an enlightened spiritual being, reminded by the fact that times marches on, and circumstances in any major pillar of life change, but seldom do the people change with it.

i’ve heard your can get a fully tailored suit in Milan for less than 500 bucks, which probably means fashion in Milan is like BBQ in Texas, a hot and abundant commodity when the artisans drive down prices for competition. I wonder if an Italian suit or leather sofa is in the works for me, or do i stick with jeans and the floor.

the city, vicenza, has a view, so at least i’ve seen in pictures. i’m anxious to smell the air, i’m anxious to cross the border into austria and dance the hills are alive on the gently rolling hills embedded in the mountains in Salzburg, i’m anxious to head to one of the little islands around venice every other week for ‘happy hour’, i’m excited to see a big concert in Verona, I’m looking forward to ordering tickets to see U2 in Rome, I’m excited to see buds in Basel, I’m excited for a 3 day ‘rock concert’ in Paris in October, I’m excited to reunite with some of my best friends in Berlin on my first available three day weekend, I’m excited to be going to Japan in November for a wedding part of a great friend.

But most importantly, I’m excited to have purpose — i don’t want to use what brainpower I have to write iphone apps, I want to work with the developing world, here, have some pie, y’all deserve it, or better yet, let me show you how to make pie.  there are a lot of critics of the fringe elements going on in the world today, but not nearly enough artists who bring creative solutions and objectivity to the table.

coming full circle to a lot of things in life, and it feels swell – i stick with the angels that guide my path and carry the lantern forward.

man is only half himself, the other half is a bright thing, he tumbles on by luck or grace, for man is ever a blind thing

sitting at flightpath coffee in austin texas, remembering the times when i made a lot of time for blogging, before the 84 hour typical week and no stimuli in the desert.

i think about the things that could potentially be out of the hands of god, and the redefinition of what a ‘crisis’ is in terms of finance.

what’s out of the hands of god could be the same thing that’s out of the realm of wishes for the genie in alladin

– can’t kill anyone
– can’t make someone fall in love with someone else
– can’t raise someone from the dead

all makes sense, and when i think each of those through that’s some fringe philosophy.

on a different note, you can ask 999 economics out of 1000 if we’re screwed and they’ll tell you yes.  meanwhile we have plenty if we live within our means and execute self control to not consume what’s thrown down our throats. we need to get used to a reality where people may not be able to make house pmts, but they’ll be carrying around the new ipads and have steaks on the pit.

what happens when the answer is unacceptable?  we tend to redefine the rules to not accept austerity.  show me a politician that says we’re going to find the optimum point to raise taxes to put money in the coffers while cutting allotments and i’ll vote for him, but there isn’t one alive that will do this because of political suicide in a pain averse and entitled society.  maybe the deflation that would occur from such action would only entrench to elite with bargaining power, but for fundamentalists who think that’s the answer, there are not so easy but simple solutions.

therefore, recovery, fake or not, i’m riding it, i have my surf board tied to my leg, if big gov’t makes the advance and ‘gets rich’ I’ll be on that side, if the banks and oligarchs can ever be trusted again, I’ll sway to that side.

Viktor Frankl once said when you can’t change your circumstances, you’re challenged to change yourself.  I think when you can change yourself and your circumstances, love it and embrace it, you will be presented the keys to the kingdom.

give me a slug from the wonderful jug, it’s time to get out of your head

hitting relax mode in full swing for the next few weeks till I figure out what gets shipped to Italy. The company gave me a big amount for relocation, although I only have a few pairs of pants and shirts, some books and a laptop I bring back from Iraq.  The ‘critical path’ of getting to Italy is now the Visa…once I get that, I’ll live out of a hotel for a few weeks until an apartment comes, then maybe a couch and bed, and depending on the lay of the land, a car or motorcycle.

this past weekend my brother in law and my friend ashley rode a 70 mile bike ride from cedar part to lampasas.  about mile 40 i was ready to give up, there weren’t any ‘sag wagons’ anywhere to pick me up, i was in the middle of nowhere, so the course of action was to keep truckin.  the hills were brutal, after a 20 minute break at mile 40 and a cold rag to the head, being 50 percent done, it was time to just lean on the rest.  meanwhile shannon and ashley are way ahead most of the race.  i think i could have gone a lot longer, but i was glad it was over, and i felt pretty brutal afterwards.

sunday brought a small family celebration for my nephew kyle’s birthday and a welcome home, with some of the best bbq in the business.  i’ve never tasted bbq as good as the family makes, probably b/c of the tlc given to a smaller hunk of meat and not having to cater to a mass.  driving in austin with a big van you are subject a lot of peculiar looks based on where you park.  nothing like parking a big van at a government building, the cops look at you funny, as if the bomb is in the back, it doesn’t help that at first glance i look mean.

the week in shiner brings some rains and high humidity, perfect fun for a convertible and back roads, burger bbq’s and paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.  tomorrow i also take my 5th drug test in 3 years, you could say i’m very clean.  only tour de france cyclist winners can have designer drugs that can beat the tests i suppose.

the weekend is special as two close friends are baptizing their children, and i’ll be lucky to experience.  all in all, enjoying time with my mom and great nephew at the moment, good soul repair material.

cards and credential

often I sit back and think the US has had its time with hegemony, but after a stint overseas and witnessing the fluidity at which people move in urban centers, I have to deduct that competitive advantage is still here.

going through the passport renewal process, i think about the different things that take you different places, where a passport will take you, what a department of defense common access card will get you, what a visa card buys you and where, so on and so forth.  the struggle for identity management carries on, slowly but surely tightening up, bringing with it pros and cons along the way.

I’m in awe of what can be achieved at a macro level, and i don’t think I’ll take more for granted again.

that’s how it happened livin’ life by the drop

I’ve learned by going the opposite of popular opinion and action, you can move forward in most facets of life –

a wise saying, ‘dont let a dime stand in the way of a dollar.’ 

if the crowd eats 3 times a day and goes to the gym once, do the opposite. 

what does someone in Greece and a Texan working in Iraq have in common — we’re in the global net of finance together, it’s the beginning of global security and docility–I don’t know how I feel about it all.  I know enough to know that no one really understands geopolitics.

we’ll see the sun

Less than four days and i’m heading out of Iraq and words to describe my feelings aren’t there.  I’ll have my iraq mix tape experience uploaded, but it’ll take some decompression time to come up with a breakfast club rant about what the year was all about –

The topsy-turvy time was worth it, and I’m finding out the reasons I came are not the essentials I leave with, rather much more.  It’s always the people, the contacts, the conversations, the perspective that resonates — the amplification that’s in your face is money, career, credential and all that other stuff we’re fixated on, stuff that isn’t really important…who knows, maybe its b/c I have it, but I think it has to do more with being in control of oneself.  

I came out here for:  placement in Europe after tour, clearance, cash.
I leave with: placement in Europe, physical fitness and awareness, mental Sparta, amazing stories from amazing people

My experience here wasn’t that of a war zone, however it was much more telling.  It wasn’t bombs and ramparts, but more-so a steel bubble with Baskin Robbins and surf and turf.  There are things that go on in these situations that are absolutely irreconcilable in the mind, neither bad nor good, just twilight zone, when you’re able to read between the lines.

Regardless, its better than the water cooler, and there isn’t anything on god’s green earth that will bring me back to a typical office scenario, I’m banking on the flat world and the next tier of transcendence to meet up with my readiness to take on unique challenges.

A week from now I’ll be back in the states, very happy to see family, preparing for a long, hilly bike ride with my brother in law, and for a brief moment feeling like I’m back home, only to realize home is now Vicenza Italy, a place I know nothing about, but I leapt and the net appeared.